The Bear Forge: Everstrong (pt. 3/3)

In loving memory of my cub (1997-2023)

Author’s Note: July 4th, 2025, was the second anniversary of my cub’s passing, which is why I’ve decided to start sharing this series. There are three parts and each is written in an entirely different style.

This is, without question, the hardest thing I’ve ever written. Thankfully, I felt him guide me the entire time. This is also the only thing I’ve written that consistently makes me cry.

For further context, read The Bear Forge pt. 1 here and The Bear Forge pt. 2: The Broken Anvil here.

PS - This is from the world of Islands of Nightsea, a children’s book series with an extended world that’s less child-oriented (though not necessarily child-unfriendly). The overall series is currently on hiatus, but you can find two Tales from the Nightsea on Amazon for a few coins, or for free during the Smashwords summer sale!

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Everstrong

To my one and only Mamabear,

I love you… and I’m sorry.

I know this letter is coming too late. I know that I can’t undo the hurt. They are a part of you forever now, the same way my hurts were a part of me, so deep that I couldn’t escape them. We can’t be together anymore and I need you to know that it’s not your fault.

My anger was not your fault. I was always angry. I was hurt from a lifetime of lacking what you gave me. Before you, I had no safe space. I was never able to exist without being pushed down, trampled, and beaten, both mentally and physically. Being angry and scary became a safe space for me. My rage was a protective bubble in which I could be safe from everything both outside and inside myself. There was nothing you could have done to protect either of us from it. It was beyond anyone’s control, especially mine.

Though my rage stole me from you, you cannot assume the blame for it. My anger was born when my loving father was so lost to his addictions that he never came home. My anger was born when my brothers used me and beat me and I had no one who would protect me. My anger was born when my mother neglected me and blamed me for everything hard and wrong in life. My anger was born when my best efforts to do good in this world were rewarded with betrayal and abandonment. My anger was born from a complete lack of hope. I didn’t even know the meaning of compassion. I learned that honesty and safety were not for me, that I was nothing more than an unworthy brute.

How can I ever explain how much you meant to me? I was broken for so long that healing seemed impossibly out of reach. I wanted more but didn’t know how to seek it. Then suddenly, there you were, listening to everything I had to say, all while understanding without judgment. You helped everything make sense and I couldn’t comprehend why you were so nice to me. I just liked it. I liked feeling like I meant something to someone. You made room in my mindspace for more than stress and survival, and you filled it with love.

I didn’t get it at first, not until you read the words of the wise ones to me. I thought that perhaps you wanted to fix me, that you had some sort of complex where you could only feel good if you were looking after someone else. I was wary, but what we had felt so right that I didn’t really care what your motives were. Someone was caring about me and helping me. I wasn’t at risk of homelessness or starvation anymore. Your Forge became like a home to me, a place that I could always escape to no matter how awful things became.

Do you know what it is like to have a home when home is not something you have experienced? To have someone who inherently cares about everything you have to say and does everything they can to help you with your dreams? I did not. Not before you. True to your word, your Forge was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It was so far beyond my limited capacity that I never could understand it.

You were the greatest gift I was ever given. You made life manageable. At times, it was even perfect. After years without sleep, you were my long rest. I finally had windows of time where I could breathe and plan. I had spent so much time just surviving that I couldn’t ever think about the future. You gave me space to see beyond the now. I had never had a hug with meaning before, and then you insisted that we do it right. Your mamabear hugs were everything you promised they would be.

And I rewarded all of your love and care by abandoning you. What a wretched thing I was. Can you ever understand how broken I had to be in order to give up what we had? How undeserving I felt of what you gave me?

The last time I saw you, your willingness to forgive me was the greatest gift that came with the most torturous agony… how could I possibly deserve or accept your forgiveness after all I had done? It became unbearable for me. I had tried so hard to keep you away from me, spiraling in my mind and misery, that I forgot who you were. I roared and roared and ripped up everything with my claws, but you stood there, so stoic, and promised me that everything would be okay.

I’m sorry I hurt you. You were just so far beyond my understanding, I couldn’t bear it. I needed to leave you, so that I could never hurt you again. I had no idea that this would cause you more pain than anything else I could have ever done.

Mamabear, I’m so sorry. Can you ever forgive me? Can your beautiful heart ever find a way to understand that I thought I was protecting you from something that wasn’t worth saving?

I’m sorry that I lost faith in us and robbed you of the chance to keep watching me grow and heal. This was not your fault and I need you to forgive yourself. No one is perfect. There was no magic word you could have said, no flawless sentence that would have prevented the inevitable. You did your very best for me, more than anyone ever had before, and without you, I never would have known love at all. Will you remember that for me? No one knew my heart like you and no one else filled it even close to as much as you did.

You were the source of strength for us both. Can you use that strength to hold yourself high? Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, but could you do this for me? Can you carry the flame and continue with your love for me still burning inside, everstrong? Will you remember the times we had fondly, untainted by the end? Can you still love me and my memory after all I have done?

Do not begrudge me my peace, dear Mama. Though I’ve left you behind, I can rest now, truly, the way I only could when I was with you. Though I must say farewell, know that I am returning to where I belong and that I will await you there, when it’s time.

Until then, my love for you isn’t going anywhere.

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Note from the Author: Thank you, deeply, if you read this.

If you enjoyed this bit of writing, perhaps you might enjoy reading life stories set in a fictional world where balance and deep healing journeys are central to the narrative. If that sounds interesting, please check out my novella series, The Vitmar Chronicles… a slice-of-life coming-of-age series that follows two brothers as they navigate life’s ups and downs.

Read the free sample here — Learn about the series here — Find it on Amazon (EU link, but you can find it in all countries), Google, Kobo, and the Draft2Digital Network! Volume II is coming in August, and Volume I is available FOR FREE during Smashwords’ summer sale!