'The Rings of Power': How to Spend a Billion Dollars on Absolutely Nothing

Lots of money = quality, right? RIGHT!?

As a lover of fantasy, do you ever feel like you’ve been completely ripped off?

While sci-fi lovers kick back to enjoy Firefly and Battlestar Galactica—both solid shows that managed to tell complete, satisfying stories—us fantasy fans are wandering the great genre desert, desperate for anything good, only to find ourselves parched after consuming shows like Legend of the Seeker (which had a decent pilot and then entered filler hell) or The Shannara Chronicles, which was already a boring, generic book (in my debatably humble opinion) until they made it worse.

Naturally, when Game of Thrones came out, we were all amped up to high hell (especially those of us who knew the books)—finally, a gritty, realistic fantasy show! …Well, for the first few seasons, anyway. Then they ran out of material alongside the patience to see their project through.

We’re starving for quality fantasy. Desperate, even.

So when Amazon announced The Rings of Power, a massive-budget show about the history of Tolkien’s legendary world, with music by Bear McCreary… well, they couldn’t fuck it up too badly, could they?

Turns out, yes. Yes they could.

WARNING: Major spoilers for episode 1.

Wait… did that trailer just advertise itself? “Watch the new trailer now” …what do you think I’m doing while I’m watching this trailer?

Elves Suck Now, Apparently

This show was pitched to me from anywhere between “pretty okay” all the way to “shameful travesty,” so I did my best to approach it with an open mind.

It took mere minutes to get me to hate it.

The viewer is introduced to Galadriel, who we all know from existing lore to be beautiful, strong, benevolent, corruptable, self-aware, and wise. Instead of getting that, however, we are instead force-fed the Flawless Vengeful Girlboss, fueled exclusively by trauma.

To convince us that we should sympathize with her unappreciated greatness, we are given surely the most bizarre bullying scene to pop up since the ‘90s: other elven children throw rocks because she made a paper boat that was… too good? So the elves are not, in fact, above being jerks for no reason? I thought they were meant to be wise and zen due to their long lives… I must have somehow missed all the rampant bullying in The Silmarillion.

After this, we meet her brother, who seems to double as the Only Good Person in the World, aka the only one worthy of Galadriel’s respect. Ever. After he shares an “inspiring metaphor” that would melt even the most imaginative mind, he whispers some secret mystery advice to her that we don’t get to hear, because of course not.

Galadriel’s Extremely Meaningful and Totally Important Quest

Flash forward a few centuries or so and Galadriel is still riddled with an unending grief. Remember how time heals all wounds? Well, not for Galadriel.

We now have our grown-up Strong Female Character seeking vengeance on Sauron for her brother’s death by… wait, what was the plan here, exactly?

“Go further than anyone ever has.”

Okay, solid tactical planning, very logical (yes, sarcasm).

This leads to a dramatic climbing of the The Wall in the North… wait, sorry, wrong series. Nevertheless, we see elves—I repeat, elves, who are known for being light, nimble, and able to jump quite high—using rudimentary human tools to try to climb a wall of ice next to an active waterfall. Sure. That was clearly the most sensible route.

Her associates are tired, hopeless, and genuinely concerned about dying in this place for no reason, but empathy is for weaklings! If Galadriel doesn’t need food or water or warmth, neither does anyone else! But, she also doesn’t need these male elves anyway (which further begs the question as to why she brought them at all, but I digress). There are so many story beats with no motivation or logic that it’s as if they picked plot points in a game of roulette. But hey, there’s action, so that doesn’t matter, right?

Oh and before I move on… remember how we all asked what Elsa was going to eat for dinner in her ice palace in Frozen? Same question to the ice trolls in this frigid wasteland.

Meanwhile with the Nomad Murder Hobbits…

Next we meet the Harfoots, Tolkien’s proto-hobbits. Their whole society is nomadic and their mottos are: “Nobody walks alone” and “nobody gets left behind.” Sounds pretty cute on the whole, right? Well, it is until someone is too old, sick, or injured to keep up. How are we supposed to love this ableist society when they abandoned their sick and elderly to die?

It’s also worth mentioning that, for a nomadic culture that seems to move seasonally or annually, they don’t seem to have much world knowledge. You’d think the nomads would be more aware of the wider world than the stationary folk, wouldn’t you?

Elrond Swayze the Bland

Our next new/familiar character is Elrond—sporting one of many bizarrely un-elven hairdos—who Galadriel immediately insults, despite him expressing genuine friendship, happiness to see her, and interest in her life and adventures. I think these lines are some of the most unhinged from the show:

“I want to hear about you. Your harrowing journey.”
“Why Elrond, you really have become a politician.”

How in the actual hell did she get from A to B on that one? Truly, who believed this character was going to be likeable? She spends the entire series punching down on everyone, regardless of whether they deserve it. And everyone just takes it with no feedback or boundaries.

Men Are Also Here, but Who Cares?

We learn about Bronwyn and Arondir as well, but there’s not much to them and their relationship tension feels surface-level at best, considering how rushed it is. This town of men hates their elven guardians (who show up now and then to make sure they’re safe)… why, exactly?

Galadriel Versus The Ocean

This final scene where Galadriel gets “politically retired” and sent to Valinor is genuinely one of the most senseless things I’ve ever seen, period. I have questions about everything that happened:

• Valinor is supposedly thousands of miles from Middle Earth, and the elves are all on deck in ceremonial armor. Just standing there. I wonder how many days (weeks? months!?) that journey is, as they stand, facing forward, not talking or moving or doing anything. There is also nothing on the deck of this ship: no mast, helm, wheel, or compass mount, no rigging or ropes or oars, and no hatchways, quaterdeck/forecastle, nor are there any supplies. How long was that journey supposed to take? Where’s the crew?

• Then there is the… undressing. Random veiled women appear silently, remove the armor from these brave warriors, and then disappear as silently as they came. Who were they? At what point on the journey did this happen? How long was the journey anyway? Were these veiled weirdos also elves going to Valinor? Where did they go after they took everyone’s armor? Did they all drown themselves when they were done their chore? Also, I repeat, where’s the crew in all of this?

• Then the holy Christian light of Jesus… excuse me, of Valinor appears before them. At this point, all of the male elves (aka everyone else) look on in joy and wonder, while Galadriel keeps looking at the dagger on the deck. I guess the veiled weirdos—who kept the deck oh so clean—missed something in their Great Undressening.

• And then Galadriel decides that she doesn’t want to go to Valinor and we already established that there are no life boats. The ship won’t turn back for her, so she has but one choice: take her dagger and jump overboard. Did anyone else ever watch Robin Hood: Men in Tights? They make a joke early on in the film that Robin swims from Africa back to England, and this was in a satirical comedy movie… it was meant to seem idiotic. Galadriel, however, doesn’t need food or rest or protection, it seems, to swim thousands of miles.

I actually genuinely expected episode 2 to start with her being back on land in Middle Earth, having faced zero challenges on the sea, so I guess props for that at least? We’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel to give this show any points.

The Hollow Wealth of Amazon

So yes, while the visuals were overally pretty nice and the music was great, the first episode of The Rings of Power alone is enough of a trash fire to justify any abandonment of the series.

Nothing makes sense. Almost no one is likeable, nor do they accurately reflect how they were portrayed in Tolkien’s lore. Plot beats are rushed and/or outright pointless. And yet Amazon spent more money on that show than anyone else had spent on a show at that time.

What exactly did their money buy them? All of the coins in the world can’t make a pretty show compelling when there’s no substance.

Frankly, fantasy fans deserve better. Viewers shouldn’t need to perform god-tier mental gymnastics to justify character choices, nor should we be required to grasp for generous reads to make sense of the plot.

Now the real question is… do I even want them to do better in season 2? When I first wrote this review, the show had just come out; however, as I’m rewriting it, season 2 is now available. The general consensus seems to be that it’s better, but if it is indeed “better” without actually fixing some of its fundamental issues, then my hot take is that it might actually be worse. At least the first season had the courtesy to fail spectacularly. And since that’s what’s on my plate in fantasy TV, perhaps I’ll take the idiotic debacle over milquetoast blandness.

I remain convinced that us fantasy lovers deserve so, so, so much more, so if all we can expect is entertaining perspectives that validate our distaste, please enjoy my three favorite YouTube channels’ hilarious takes on this show.

If you enjoyed this take on The Rings of Power, consider checking out my related thoughts on House of the Dragon and why sci-fi programming always out-performs fantasy! Or, if you’re equally disillusioned with fantasy, consider checking out a sample of my novella series, The Vitmar Chronicles!